I often find myself living by or believing either side of two poles. That I am either in control of all that happens to me, and therefore what shows up in my life is my fault or a mistake that should not be occurring, or the other, of which I have no control over what happens and therefore I am either a victim of what comes or that everything that happens is random-often leading me to feel the need to protect or defend myself in any circumstance. But within these poles lies the development of a relational awareness to our childlike selves, our Souls and the universe that surrounds and meets us at every moment. Much in the same way a fish relies upon the water and currents in order to swim, we rely upon the earth and the moments and energies of the day in order to feel ourselves being met as we learn our way through the currents of an unfolding and purposeful life. Whereby we learn, each step of the way, how to show up, how to meet what is being reflected and brought to us to be felt, touched and lived. Learning a moment at a time that the outside waters course through our veins just as the energy of our minds and hearts reverberates into the ether and beyond, and just as the salmon flits it's tail to try one more time to swim up river through rapid waters. Learning that we are made of this, and that it is this that meets and surrounds us, and that perhaps something impalpable but without question exists that brings us into the ecstasy of being painfully, beautifully and joyfully alive.
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I embark on a deep meditation, with a guiding force that is more energy-based than an image of a guide, resting in this love, the below words make their way to the surface from this energy-based experience with this guiding force.
"...Love is impersonal, it guides us through our days, it washes us clear of personal history and identification. It quiets the mind, settles the heart and restores peace of mind. It’s not personal subjected onto another as the sole receiver of this love, but is a clear force of sustained energy that exists across the cosmos. We are all worthy of this, made up of this life force and capable of exuding this, but it’s not the self we often identify as, it ignites us, and permeates our moments to be bestowed upon the moment and people at hand, independent of self or other valuation. It exists, untouched by physical reality and yet threads itself through physical reality as truth of existence. That is all for today." The following took place during a explorative practice of self inquiry. What I am discovering is an internal teacher to whom I can feel into for guidance. The below is an excerpt from an inquiry involving what action to take.
For those who can benefit, Enjoy, Andrea ... -You need to unravel this How do I do that? -By letting it be here, letting it breathe, be known, accepted as a part of your journey, loved, cared for, respected, patiently abiding in guidance and patient acknowledgement of where you are currently. -This undoes the tendency of fixing yourself. You always want to fix yourself, but there is nothing to be fixed, there are just qualities of experience to be had while they are present, they will come, and they will go, and you are the open vessel to allow them to move through you, without attachment, without speeding them up, without clinging, without pushing them away, without overanalyzing, without fussing to make things better, without overly focusing, without gratifying the instinct to push it away or make it better. The space and waiting allow it to dissolve, the allowance without disapproval of yourself is what is needed. You can make space for things like this, allowing them to come up, to peak, to know they will dissolve and sink back, and arise again in their own rhythm. As you become use to these flows of magic and movement, you will become more attune to your own inner vessel and the messages it is sending you of clarity and ease without the over-focusing to cling and to figure out. This is one area of which this is happening and occurring, there are many others indeed. You can remember what (your friend and teacher, said about unraveling one area and then the others unravel themselves. So this is the case where it is happening here, and you can wait and see what happens next. The only thing you need to know is if it is guided or not. The rest of the things that you tell yourself are just stories. Even spiritual stories. Experiences are, they don’t need stories to attach themselves to. They arise in one plane and can look different depending on which plane of existence you are observing them on [physical, emotional mental, causal], and they can all exist simultaneously without contradiction. Allow for this, but do not become overly involved, that is where you tend to loose truth. You can only fully understand a lesson when it is complete and that occurs in the experience of passing it on to someone else, either in writing or in speaking with another person. But even that has it’s limitations, as their unique blend of a lesson will be unique to them, and even your lesson will take on multiple forms. Keep this simple, do not overly think this through. The real point we are trying to make is that lessons have their own time frame and patterns and you need to allow these things to play out in their own time and way, and remain a bystander, curious, open, involved but as a participant in something greater and not as your identity. You can let things be, especially when you increasingly come to realize what you are, you will less likely cling to what you are not. That is all for this evening. -So…what was the one thing that I needed to inquire on this? That was not clear to me. -You needed to ask our perspective, which you did, inadvertently by staying open and letting the answers come through not self directed or within the borders in which you were holding it Oh that helps me, thank you -You are welcome This below started with an experience of pressure, leaning and pulling on me from self and others around time…which opened into a spaciousness with a guide. In trusting this energy, I was shown/given an opportunity by way of willingness to surrender to this, to lay down the pressure time tables of the moment at hand, which provided an alternative experience of an ultimate trust and willingness to let go. Enjoy.
Time is a mental construct that we can chose to engage with, it’s always a choice. There is also a plane that is free of time, (I experience this today as a white, blue, gem-like quality) entirely peaceful with no requirements of when, no matter or judgment about timelines, they don’t exist from this level. From this plane, I experience self as entirely at peace and ease. Timelines are suggestions imposed by the culture and people around you, including yourself, to create the illusion that we are the ones creating the movement and flow. Where as from our perspective, flow is established, it is part of natural law and we are able to choose how we engage in that flow. How often do we hold onto things that no longer serve us, or even things that were full of joy but no longer present? Most of us, hold on, it’s a natural survival technique, often disguised as either taking ‘responsibility’ to understand and to look at things that pass through, or attempting to recreate the pleasures. But underscoring these techniques is often fear, and a lack of trust. Fear that whatever was unpleasant may happen again if we don’t understand in full, or take enough notes on reworking it through our minds, or fear that there isn’t experiences waiting for us, meeting us at every step along the way, new unexpected and experiences we couldn’t imagine possible.
When we go through something that we perceive as unpleasant, it’s quite natural to take the time to work through whatever that was, with our whole being, not just our minds. We often need to let the dust settle, and then access parts of ourselves including the felt sense of where the pressure, or constriction lies in the body, and/or to talk it through with a trusted confidant, creativity work out pleasurable alternatives or outcomes in our minds, and sometimes, take action, or refrain from an action. But once worked through to the extent that feels organic and necessary, the kindness of laying things down is not only compassionate and wise, but also signals a deep trust in ourselves and the universe that there is more life to be lived. If there is more to learn, we can be reassured that the lesson, will come back again in some form, often after a time of rest and integration that occurs on more basic level. In this way, we take in the experience, learn what we can, find the source of acceptance of a needed lesson, and be grateful, even if it was a hard lesson. And then, move on. If it comes up again in our thoughts, as being reworked in the mind, see if you can turn to it, acknowledge, and then place it down to attend to the thing present in your physical surroundings. In this way, we learn both presence to the vibrant life unfolding before us, while also offering ourselves a kindness to not pick at a scar that needs time to heal. The same thing can be true of pleasant experiences. We often come into an experience, or maybe a relationship, or endeavor, a project of which we find ourselves excited by the unexpected pleasure and joy. But as all things in nature subside, this too shall find its crest and then it’s trough. And the reactivation of the crest is often where we get stuck. In this same way, we might find ourselves trying to re-live and recreate the wave of joy. But more often, what we find is that unique aliveness that was once experienced wanes to the point that we can be mystified over what happened and why the relationship, or experience, or form of art no longer contains the same potency. Here too, we must surrender, by taking in what has been, learn from it, find a source of gratitude within us in being met by the experience, and then kindly place it down, empty, to turn to what is before us. In either case, pleasure or pain, by placing it down, we are admitting to a deep sense of trust in ourselves and the universe meeting us where we are. We lack the control we often believe we need to exert to make life happen for us, and place our hands on the pulse of what naturally is happening for and through us. This is an ultimate trust in the unfolding nature of our cyclical and magical lives. We are not here on accident, what happens is not a punishment, we are not at fault, we didn’t do anything wrong, the universe doesn’t give us pleasures and take them away, things do not happen by chance and then forget about us. By placing things down, we open ourselves to a natural flow, untethering our psyches from what we think should be happening, or untethering from a seeming conundrum, and giving love and heart to the next best step in our lives presenting itself before our feet. Have you ever noticed yourself being unexpectedly surprised once placing down something which you have been clenching, the unexpected freedom, or unexpected new moment of seeing clearly, refreshed, or rejuvenated, or even the unexpected joy once accepting a deep sorrow fully? Simple, but so difficult to do, particularly when we are feeling loss, under pressure, or confused over a decision that seems to need to be made in the moment. Pressure, is always a moment, to pause, and breath, and wait. But every choice gets you some place, and every path taken shows another angle on the needed experience or lesson at hand, even if that lesson is trying to tell you, you are done. The universe knows exactly where we are on our journey, meeting us, at all times where we are. There are no wrong steps, only an unfolding of a relationship between our explorative curious selves, and the fate of our deepest heartfelt missions. …and yet, we don’t need to let go before we are ready, before we sense the support available to us, before turning to that support in order to take that step, which is always the one next step of an unfolding process. All love, Andrea Our home environment is a facet and an extension of our inner selves, the place that expresses our inner natures and the environment we feel most at home to within ourselves.
Many of us judge either ourselves or others on this inner landscape, of being unkempt, or too tidy, eclectic, culturally varied, stark, random, focused on function or beauty. But from a different angle, are we not all trying to understand and create a sense of welcome of our unique ways, to acknowledge externally the identity we are portraying to both ourselves and others, a home base that feels familiar and stable amidst a diversely, ever changing, complex world that endlessly surprises and at times frightens or overwhelms us? And maybe you will notice, in home environments most family to you, you feel more at ease, and yet there are other home environments where, although not your norm or particular taste, you still appreciate-whether it be a home of an interior decorator where you can appreciate the esthetic technique, or the home of a friend with days worth of clothes strewn around, partially completed projects and children’s or pet toys scattered about -where you have a sense of life and love being lived fully and embraced. How many people either apologize for their home environment, or the opposite-proudly take you on a tour? This quirky aspect of our humanity, rather than to be judged or criticized may be more satisfying to be taken in as another expression of our own or another’s inner world or artistry, something to be honored and appreciated for the infinite ways we learn to inhabit our lives, the gift and opportunity to have a peak inside of another's inner story, or the courage to open our own doors to the eyes, ears, and senses of someone taking in an intimate part of how we navigate our lives, and what is happening inside. This isn't to say that someone with a tidy home has everything in its place internally, but perhaps they are attempting such, or prefer the simplicity of an esthetic view and value beauty. Of course, there are numerous perspectives of what a home environment could be a symbol of, as many as there are personalities. What would it be like, to invite people over, one, two friends, or a group, without changing a thing, but to notice how we respond to what we feel, see and hear when others enter our home? Do we explain, apologize, are we proud, do we care, do they? Do we respond differently to different people who enter our home? Wherever you are, work with that, inquire there. All love, Andrea This post is following a mediation of which I meat up with a familiar guide, of which, for now, I will refer to as 'Michael.'
I join up with a guide that appears as a loving, steady, abiding source of wisdom and guidance, Along with this an an ancient tree with a golden light exuding from within as well as all around. There is a pink sky with various hues of golds and blues and a yogi with her arms above her head, cupping a steam of light shining through her hands that resonates with the light from within. As I attune to this field in all my bodies, I am given the mantra “What would it be like to identify with others through love?” This mantra, offers a practice of living through this energy field/landscape -and to see what happens, what lessons may be connected and new ways of experiencing. What I/we are looking for is satisfaction in our relationships and connection, the willingness to connect through the field of love, which transcends the identity boundaries and sustains ourselves through a collective and mutual purpose and intention. As our identity strengthens, and in attuning this way, we loose our fear of identity loss and recognize the mutual field that holds and supports all of humanity and our worldly ecosystem-at this level, we all belong to the same consciousness and are free of anxiety by living out our personal and group missions. At this level, I experience myself as a singing field of consciousness that is unifying and interwoven with the collective consciousnesses of what we consider our worldly ecosystem. I feel a loving source power that us sustaining and free of anxiety, pressures, along with a sense of knowing and clear vision of the processes we all are moving through, individually and collectively. At the completion of the meditation, I allow the experience to settle into my body, and thank this guide and the collective energies that make up this field. Reflexive Wonderment
The exerpt was a part of an exchange occurring between what I would refer to as the personality and the larger collective Self on what can be thought of as being a loving, compassionate witness or reflective wonderment. Enjoy. …Don’t go into story in general, for that is a waste of your time. You can create some wonderful stories with your mind but you can equally paint your own hell by creatively and convincingly taking over reality with story. Create stories that support understanding and growth potential. -Reflexive wonderment. That is a good cue to work with. What is that? -That is when you sense a story coming on but you don’t go into it, rather, you watch as the witness of the story but then peel yourself off of it by using your senses to tune into the current reality. The reality of your hands, and feet, and the room that you are in, the reality of sound and pleasure if it is available to you. Reflexive wonderment is having the capacity to spring from the story back into your body and then to use the body cues as energy. You then use that energy to off gas by creatively expressing through unattached visions, dreams, sounds, movement, dance, writing and then let go of what was off gassed knowing that what you are off gassing is just the creative energy that got stuck in yourself or someone else. In this way, its a Divine flow of energy being released. And no one gets harmed bc it’s just movement from one state into another form. What is important is that it doesnt get stuck in the body, keep it and yourself moving and when you are in the middle of a thick flow cue ‘reflexive wonderment’ which will help you remind you that the energy being felt and then expressed is not yours, not a part of your true identity. For example, when your family member says she wants you to do something of which you feel there is no basis in support from the universe, you can let her words flow through you without the attachment of your ‘figuring it out’ It’s just energy attempting to latch onto something or to be released. Some part of her knows this, and so do you, but either of you can fixate on the release and then get stuck in the confines of a ‘problem’ that never needed to be solved. Let her express herself in any way she knows how and keep in mind that this is her off gassing. When it becomes too much, ask to step away for a few moments. That might be all that she needs to say for the moment. If she comes back to it, let her know that it’s okay to take a break from this for now and that you can return to it a little bit later. You may end up teaching her that she can think and feel things, let them go, be safe, and when it comes around again it’s a little bit lighter. She may not know this intellectually, but she will be learning this internally as a way without words, but that it comes naturally and that is plenty for her. She has no need to analyze things and she shouldn’t have to. She just needs to feel safe in your presence and you can help her with that by being an agent of non attached witnessing of her flow. Remember, you don’t need to stay stuck in it with her, you too can take breaks, offering compassionate quietude. And what about ourselves? -When you feel the tension of something coming on or building, that is the first sign of resistance. You reflexively bind up in preparation and protection. But you do not need to do this. You can visualize a field of flow coming into you, like a black mass of smoke and then allow it to also exit out either the crown of your head if it is not yours or up to the Divine for guidance. It is not You that needs to ‘figure it out’ You will have greater vision and clarity if you allow it to pass and then look on at it from a distance once in your core again when you have your most tools for creative discovery and understanding. -Take for example your friend, she was at her whits end and you came in to save her, but you couldn’t save her bc there was nothing to save. So you created a story of saving her when it wasn’t needed. All that was needed was presence to hear her story and let it be off gassed while pointing out what she could make sense of. You spend a lot of time trying to fix stories that others create but the thing is, those stories are endless mind traps with no end. Rather, you allow the passing of story-energy and wait for moments of clarity. That is all you need to do. So one, they feel safe bc they can tell you the stories without you both becoming trapped, and then two you help them reorganize themselves into their own wholeness and wisdom by highlighting what they know is true but am too bombarded to hear bc of all the other conflicting stories. This seeming crisis for her is another example of this at work within you and how you do this to yourself, the tidal waves of bombardment. Notice, when you are with those who you feel safe with, they don’t try to save you, they just point out what you know is true, or point out the pieces that you are not hearing loudly enough bc your own head is so loud. So it is with working with others. The Unanswered Question
There is an unanswered question living through us. The question or questions that form the basis of our being here in each lifetime, and what determines the what and why of where life takes us. As gardeners of our Soul’s purpose, we get to journey by way of how, when and with whom we learn to live out these lessons. Frustrating it may be for this can take a whole lifetime or more to learn the multifaceted areas which fill out all that we need to know about this area of our being, and on top of that, the pain and discomfort of letting go of ways once felt kept us safe, or ways that we have formed our identity. Further, each individual has their own unique questions to answer which necessarily can create conflict with others needing to learn the opposite lesson for their own development, or those living out past lessons that you may have grown through. To put this in context, many life questions come down to lovability. Am I lovable? Am I lovable without being perfect? Am I lovable without being understood? Am I lovable without someone’s commitment to a form of that love? Is my lovability true if it changes shape or form? If someone is searching to answer such questions and then find themselves in a relationship with another person who has a different set of questions or focus they at some point may come into conflict with each other. One may grapple with lovability while the other may feel a need for development of self mastery or self competency. This doesn’t necessarily mean love or safety is not true, but each may be finding their way through mastery of and eventual transcendence of their lessons. Or perhaps two people who have a similar focus, of which a guiding flow is established, they may be gently, albeit some bumps along the way, be supporting one another through. On a personal level, I am learning through a myriad of lovability questions, such as am I lovable without being perfect or understood. I frequently run into family, friends, coworkers who love me when I am satisfying their needs or roles-but unlovable when I miss the mark of their expectations. And yet, there are a handful who are not requiring that I show up with anything but my willingness to be here, look, inquire. And yet a smaller handful of those of which I do not meet their expectations, and yet love remains. So, turning to the validation of love outside no longer works consistently, and helps point to the inner vessel of love that remains constant. It causes me to go inward, to ask the question of my own lovability, and find it in myself to hold my own sense of value and worth without conditions-and there-I am free. Yet safety and belonging is also a real thing in the world-a need. So-learning to live this out as a dynamic of needs, meeting those needs, owning or lowering expectations, and accepting the truth of what remains despite temporary changes amidst the unchanging truth of love in/of the universe. This all lives out through imperfect friendships and relationships, the Soul and the Source of all that guiding. The multiple facets of lessons, continues in its unfolding nature. I forget, I am reminded. I learn again, then I forget and find another facet of this complex yet genuinely true and invaluable lesson of lovability and acceptance of self and others. We each carry within us, our life questions, or life lessons, some around lovability, others, it may be around safety, competency, belonging, self mastery, ad infinitum. We tend to want to figure them out with our minds, by analyzing and getting ahead in order to regain control. But life doesn’t work this way, and I would prefer that it doesn’t. We get to be here, for ‘X’ amount of time, through imperfect, beautiful, strange, awkward, bumpy, uncomfortable, extraordinary and mysterious and inspiring life experiences. We get to live it through, develop a rich patina to call our own, and then share as gifts to others on their own journey of love and understanding. We tend our own Soul’s journey, seek through the mystery, breaking our old ways and habits, ultimately to come into greater love of ourselves and others. Knit together in multiple forms and patterns we can’t see, but feel. Rainer Maria Rilke writes, in Letters to a Young Poet “I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” All love, Andrea I was reflecting this morning on a friend and her son, who is now a young adult. I was considering the challenges that he faces being here in the world and her concerns about the masking affect of the medication that he takes for support. I was remembering a time when I was taking medication to help me be here more fully. Although it’s been stated that medication cuts off one’s sense of other-worldly guidance, and I found that to be true too, for when I was on it, there was always a sense that something was missing, something vital like an important stream or thread or a portal that was blocked off or out of reach. Despite other people’s reassurances, that little niggle of awareness, of something more, stayed as something that seemed unrelenting and possibly more true. And yet, anxiety also cuts off guidance to some degree, at least it is distorted and things can be so complex, loud, and topsy that just being here can be near impossible. I had walked around with the guilt of where I was in life and how I was going about it, feeling shame for not functioning like others. What I needed was permission to be where I was in order to soften that edge of guilt and shame so that I could build up enough support around me and cultivate my inner tools of listening and hearing guidance. I needed permission to wear the support of medication like a brace until at some point, I would be able to let go. And even the letting go was back and forth for a while until I was able to lean more into the help of friends and the internal resources. It’s still not easy, but there’s an access route that is being developed and there are trustworthy loved ones around me of which I am more fully able to receive. I couldn’t push myself the way I tend to, the way I still tend to, because I had to get Inside first, into the loving space of, “this is how we can do it, from inside out and not the way you expect of yourself.” Not the warriors way, but the mystical watery way of creating a forgiving, nourishing, accepting landscape. Permission to be how and the way I am and to know that more importantly and potently than the destination planned.
The thing is, is that portal, that inner resource never went away, and I trust it never could, but there needed to be a negotiation between the profound strength of that resource, that portal and my personality and what it could tolerate at the time. That’s the relationship that the whole of me longs for. That is the inner marriage and wholeness that I think of as loving acceptance. So in the same way, I pose the questions to myself, ‘Will you see cease to be who you are, the edge of where you’re learning is, if others turn away? And if you do, will that part of you that remains calling ever actually disappear? Or will it keep on calling to you until you are ready?' My personality sometimes just needs to know that she is good enough, and that she is doing enough, and that she’ is okay. |
AuthorAs a person who is highly interested in the inner landscape through interaction with the external, I find it invaluable to express these experiences. Here, a collection of musings; experiments, potential truths, and ultimately, my unique pathway of creative learning and growth. Blog and website edited by scholar, literary enthusiast, horticulturist and friend Peter Dryden.
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